By the time I was a teenager the other females and I were sent to a breeding farm. I became both excited about the possibility of giving birth to a child and very anxious at the same time. I wanted so very much to share my life with a child, it was the natural thing to do, but I couldn’t imagine bringing a tiny gray one into this life of misery and disconnection from mother Earth.
Moving away from circus life was a relief in itself. My feet were so sore and my bones and my heart ached, yearning to walk and stretch and follow the sun as it traveled its sacred course across the sky each day. And Oh, how I still missed Mother, the smell of her lovely body, her soft touch and the beauty of her loving presence. Surely she had other children now, but I knew she had not forgotten me for I felt the bond between us still.
Many of my circus family went to the “farm” with me and they were equally excited and fearful as I was. It was a relief to be away from the traveling and performing and especially to be away from the suffering of the horses, tigers and lions. The greatest pain I felt in the circus was the pain of the other creatures - their humiliation and the degradation of their sacred gifts and purposes. The stings of peoples laughter, the stings of the hook used to discipline those of us who failed to move our bodies in the ways the humans desired. Most of us tried our best to do what the humans wanted, but we often couldn’t understand what was expected of us. Once one of the elephants went rushing out of the tent in a frenzy of grief after suffering blow after blow from her trainers who thought she was being defiant and unruly. She wasn’t being defiant, she simply didn’t understand what was required of her no matter how hard she tried.
In my years at the breeding farm many of my sisters gave birth but somehow the conflict within my body-heart-mind prevented me from conceiving though I was impregnated several times. The lack of stimulation at the farm the isolation, deepened my depression and dampened my will and my appetite.
All the while my angel stood silently to the left and behind me bearing witness to all that transpired and comforting me silently the best she was able. My body began to ache more and more and my the pain in my feet became almost unbearable at times. I began to loose weight and I suppose I looked frightful to the humans who regarded me as quite useless since I hadn’t conceived and was now to shabby looking and sick to return to the circus. I knew from their words that I had lost 2000 lbs. My keeper would scowl at me when he brought my food admonishing me gruffly and offering nothing in the way of kindness.
Although I had been kept in solitude for some time for a reason I could never comprehend, the humans began to isolate me more and more as time went by and as my condition deteriorated. “A bag of bones” I heard them say. Or, “A sight for sore eyes.” Or, “Nothing more pathetic looking than a thin elephant.” I became an embarrassment to them and my isolation became imprisonment. On many days I just wanted to die. The only things that kept me going were the sweet promptings of my angel and the memories of my dear distant mother. As my condition deteriorated I became frightened that one day I would wake up and have no memory of my mother at all, but gratefully that never happened
Word began to spread among the elephants at the farm that the story of my condition had reached the outside world and that I might be leaving. That someone was going to send a truck for me. With no natural outlet for their intelligence the elephants had turned to gossiping. Many rumors drifted through the farm in the years I was there, so I didn’t pay it much notice. . I remembered some of the circus horses talking about their brothers being taken at last to slaughter to be rendered into food for other animals and humans. The horses stories used to scare me, but now I was so saddened and sick that it almost seemed a relief to think that my life might soon be over and I could return to the starry realm from which I came.
The angel had promised me that she would not let the memory of my origins in heaven or the memory of my mother fade away. She began to communicate with me more directly now, telling me to hang on, that things were about to change, that someone was coming for me and that I was going to go to a beautiful place where the humans would love me and I could roam for miles, bathe my sore feet in cool waters and be able to fulfill my divine purpose. I thought at times that she was describing heaven to me and that I was going to die soon. But one day a truck pulled up and in I went…..on the other end of the truck ride lay heaven on earth.